The Behavior is the Tip of the Iceberg
- kimlindauer6
- Dec 11, 2024
- 4 min read
Have you seen this image before? If you have, consider this a reminder: our goal is to connect with others around the feelings BENEATH the surface. This is where true connection and behavior change takes place.
If you have never seen this, take a moment to look at it and appreciate it. All of the behaviors that we see in others (children and adults alike) are just the very tip of the iceberg. It is what we see on the surface. Think - yelling, hitting, cutting, pushing, ignoring, etc.
However, it is what is going on BENEATH the surface, that makes the difference when you want to truly connect with others.
These are the feelings and fears that are driving the behaviors.
In this post, we will explore how to use this metaphor to create deeper relationships with both our athletes and our staff we lead.
Remember, these concepts are universal and applicable to everyone.
Let's create a positive impact together!
How can we use the iceberg metaphor to help us better support our staff?
The root of all human behavior is the desire to feel significance and belonging. The fastest path to this - allowing someone to feel truly seen and heard.
Let's put this into practice.
Listen for the meaning beneath the complaint.
When a staff member shares a frustration, their words are often just the tip of the iceberg. Beneath their complaint lies a deeper emotion or need.
A Scenario:
Coach Amber comes to you to express frustration with a parent. She tells you that the parent won't quit complaining about the child's lack of progress. The parent watches the entire practice, and then takes 10 minutes afterwards to discuss their child.
How to Listen for What’s Really Going On
Be Fully Present
- Your job here is to listen, and I mean deeply listen. Look at Amber when she is talking, and allow her space to vent.
Get curious about her feelings
As you listen, ask yourself: What might she truly be feeling?
Could she feel like the parent doesn’t trust her?
Could she feel insecure about her coaching abilities?
Could she be worried about whether the parent likes her or is questioning her competence?
Reflect what you hear
Now, try this: " Amber, what I think I hear you saying is that you have a very intense parent right now who is taking up a lot of your energy and time. I am curious if you are feeling like they don't trust you. Is this correct?"
Amber, at this point, can respond if you were right or wrong. It is OK if you were wrong. You are there. You are listening. You are giving her space to process. You are showing her that you truly care. You are listening to understand.
This is the GOLD LEVEL of leadership. Deep understanding and true connection.
Your Challenge:
This week, when a staff member shares a frustration, pause before jumping to solutions. Listen deeply, reflect what you hear, and explore the emotions beneath their words.
The more you practice, the easier it will become.
How can we use the iceberg metaphor to help us be better coaches?
The root of all human behavior is the desire to feel significance and belonging. The fastest path to this - allowing someone to feel truly seen and heard. **Please notice that this sentence is the EXACT same sentence I used above for your staff. That was NOT an accident.
When a kid does something that you do not approve of, just remember that the behavior is just the tip of the iceberg.
What’s more important—and what will nurture your relationship the longest—is connecting to the feeling driving that behavior.
Look for the Feeling Beneath the Behavior
A Scenario:
5-year-old Graham cuts in front of Samantha while they are waiting in line for vault. Samantha whines and tells him to get in the back of the line, while using her shoulders to push in front of him. Graham ignores her and tries to get back in front. Samantha hits Graham and now they are both crying. (sound familiar?)
How to handle this:
Before addressing the situation, ensure you are calm and regulated. Kids learn emotional regulation by watching the adults around them.
Take a deep breath
- Allow them to see you taking the long, deep breath. This models self-control and sets the tone for a calm resolution.
Give them space to explain.
Let both Samantha and Graham tell their side of the story without interrupting.
Listen carefully, and avoid jumping to conclusions.
Listen for the feelings beneath the behavior.
Does Samantha seem hurt that Graham cut in front of her? Or embarrassed that she hit him?
Does Graham feel angry that Samantha hit him? Or sad that he felt like he didn't get enough turns?
Validate feelings and reflect them back.
- This may sound something like this: " Oh man. Neither of you wanted this to happen. Samantha, it sounds like you felt hurt that Graham cut in front of you. And Graham, it sounds like you felt sad that you didn't get enough turns on vault. It is OK to feel hurt and sad, but it is not ok to cut in line or hit."
Note: If hitting is a repeat problem, it will be important to have a plan with Samantha about what happens when she hits.
Plan for the future.
- Kids need a lot of practice to change their behavior and thinking about future situations is a great tool.
Ask questions that encourage them to think about how they can handle similar situations differently next time:
“Samantha, if Graham cuts in front of you again, what could you do instead of hitting him?”
“Graham, if you feel like you’re not getting enough turns, how could you handle it without cutting in line?”
Why This Matters
We can’t expect perfection—kids will continue to mess up, repair, and mess up again. That’s what being human is all about.
What we can do is prepare for these moments. Have a plan. Look for the feelings beneath the behavior. Focus on connection, connection, connection.
These moments of connection go far beyond the gym. They stay with kids as they grow, shaping how they approach conflict, relationships, and life.
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