Who Ever Said You Were Supposed To Be Perfect?

Teaching Self-Compassion to Kids

Last night, I had a parenting win with my 10 year old son, Ari. Ari is currently OBSESSED with soccer. He constantly has a ball at his feet, studies professional players, watches matches on TV, and spends all of his time looking forward to his next practice or game. It’s delightful to watch and fills me up that he has found something that gives him this much joy.

Ari’s team went undefeated last season and remained undefeated this season… until last Saturday. Not only did they lose, but Ari technically scored for the other team (he was playing defense and the ball touched his foot last before going into their goal). Ari was heartbroken. He struggled to feel himself the rest of the day and was still talking about it at bedtime on Sunday night.

30 hours later, as he was beating himself up, it occurred to me that what he needed was fierce self-compassion.

Here is how that went down:

Me: “Ari, let’s pretend that your teammate Luca had made the same mistake. Let’s pretend that he was lying on the ground just like you were. What would you tell him?”

Ari: “ I don’t know”

Levi (7 year-old-brother who was in the bed next to him): “ I know what I would tell him. I would tell him it was OK. I would tell him that he is still good at soccer and that maybe we can still win.”

Ari: “OK, I know what I would tell him. I would tell him that ‘it happens.’

Me: “ Is that what you were telling yourself when you were lying on the ground?”

Ari: “No”

Me: “ Were you saying super mean things to yourself?”

Ari: “yes”

Me: “ Would you ever say those mean things to a friend or a teammate?”

Ari: “never”

Me: “Let's do this. Put your hand on your heart and repeat after me. ‘ Ari, it happens. It’s OK. You are still good at soccer.”

Ari: tears welling in his eyes “Ari, it happens. It’s OK. You are still good at soccer.”

We, as coaches, as parents, as friends, and as humans can call upon these skills after we make mistakes.

"Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?" - Kristen Neff

My hope is that today you can pause to offer yourself or someone else a little more compassion. Who ever said that you were supposed to be perfect?